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Saturday, March 26th, 2005
7:16 pm	Red Team Go! I figured shooting for one update a month keeps the pressure off me from having to make every entry a real winner, so here’s my contribution for March. Last time, I told you all about my upcoming birthday and my new car. I’ve been 20 for a few weeks now, and it feels just like being nineteen! I am very disappointed. I was hoping it’d be like reaching the next level of a video game, and all the bad guys shoot faster and their color pallets change from green and black to red and blue, but no, everything is the same. I did get a change of scenery when I went to New York City for four days though, from March 9th to the 13th. My WMCC friends and I went for a radio broadcaster conference and got to meet students from other schools across the country. We had lectures and seminars and blah blah blah, I won’t bore you all because nobody cares about the radio anyway. But I will mention some of the highlights of the trip. They are, in no particular order: A five-foot tall Asian kid catching Pop Tarts dropped from the 10th floor window. Seeing Ground Zero after riding the wrong subway for about an hour. Hearing Janeane Garafolo give a lecture on progressive thinking and creative radio. Eating about twenty pieces of real New York pizza. Hearing Mike Bowen say “red team go” every time we crossed the street, like a crack commando operation. Having the NYPD tell the ten of us we were the most exciting part of their night. And a bunch of other things. Being in New York gave me such a feeling of empowerment. No other place in the world can do that for me. I’ve been there dozens of times, always with family, so I know the city fairly well. (Yes, I goofed on one subway and I haven’t heard the end of it. Whoops.) Being there with friends though, was a totally new experience that gave me a rush of life. I just felt so at home with the towering buildings all around me and concrete jungle laid out before me. It was sweet, in a way no candy bar or ice cream could ever be. Enough about that, let’s get to the beatdown. There’s this kid at work, name of Saba. Long story short, he’s Persian, dark hair, olive skin, could grow a beard by dinner time if he didn’t shave during his work breaks, and I pretty much can’t stand him because he’s a lazy doofus. Short story long, anything by Dickens. Anyway, on my birthday, he comes up to me at the service desk and says “hey I hear it’s your birthday, so I owe you birthday punches!” and he starts to happily pound on my arm and shoulder. I’m not a fan of having my personal space violated, I don’t like birthdays, and I really don’t like wiener suckers using my birthday as an excuse to violate my personal space. So I politely asked him to stop, three times. On the fourth swing of his bombardment, I grab his arm and twist it behind his back with one hand, while putting him into a headlock with my free arm. Then I pushed my knee into his back and drove him to the ground. After he mumbled an apology, I let him go. Now, every time he sees me, he tries to get me to do it again, but I’m not going to hit him unless he provokes me first. So hopefully he’ll get fired or run over by a bus. Last night I went to my first ever “real” college party. It was at some girl’s house, whom I never met before in my life. There were drinks and people everywhere. Beer pong, darts, and college hoops on TV. I was there for about two hours, enjoying the eye candy, when who should ring the doorbell but Greece’s Finest. Count’em one, two, three, four, five cops, just to break up a little innocent house party. It turns out by parking on the side of the street we had violated a winter parking ordinance, which was stopping the snow plows from being able to do their job. They gave us a simple ultimatum. End the party and move our cars, or, they would tow them and arrest everyone for underage drinking. Heck yes. So we beat it out of there, and that was my night. Whew. This is a pretty boring update, huh? My heart just isn’t in it tonight. I’ve got so much other work I need to take care of, and I’m going to use Sunday as my massive homework day. It’s a good thing Jesus died so close to mid terms, otherwise I’d never get my book reports done. That takes care of it all for now. Remember what we always say: Don’t get eliminated! “I caught it! I freaking caught it!” (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 27th, 2005
10:35 pm	Might as well be brave and tell you It’s been a long time since my last update. (Duh Ryan, tell us something we don’t know.) My boxers are red and have tigers and Japanese writing on them. You did not know that. I’m writing this update to let everyone know that finally, everything is right in the universe. It started a few weeks ago when I found my all time favorite TV show had been put on DVD so I grabbed all 13 episodes. Shortly after, I realized Duran Duran was my favorite musical group of all time. I just bought a car. It’s a 2001 Pontiac Sunfire, silver, two-door coupe with moon roof. If one more person says “dude that’s a fat chick car” I will formally introduce them to my new front bumper and 2.2 liter whilst blaring “Hungry like the wolf” from the bitch’en sound system. My birthday is March 5th. At the time of writing this, it’s less than a week away. I will be twenty years old. How bland! No longer a teenager, but not an adult. Stuck in the purgatory of growing up. On the bright side, I’ve made some choices for what my next move in school will be. Now it’s a matter of doing paper work and looking for scholarships. Two things I’ve never been good at. I also have to decide if I want to room with Johnny Deng, or Turco, or both. They’ve become two of my better friends at MCC and I know our trip to NYC for the Radio Broadcaster’s Conference will be awesome. Turco, however, is getting odds of 3 to 1 on ruining the trip with his incessant whining about women. I haven’t really had an oasis of success lately, but you don’t see me taking it out on people at a bowling alley. Speaking of which, if you ever have the means of going to Extreme Bowling at Empire lanes you should. I went with the radio crew and a few delightful others and found it to be a very stimulating adventure. While we are on the topic of adventures, let me plug www.kingdomofloathing.com and tell people it’s become my favorite way to pass time between 11:30pm and midnight or so. That’s really all I wanted to say for now. Remember what we always say: Don’t get eliminated! “There are times we punish those who we need the most.” (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 27th, 2005
11:29 pm	Ride'm cowgirl Okay, so the last entry was a bit cryptic, I admit. It was something I had to do for myself. That’s what journals are supposed to be for in the first place, in case anyone forgot. But, since I know you’re all reading this for entertainment, we’ll get right back into the good stuff. I’d like to start by using your captive attention to announce an upcoming event. As most of you are aware, I am a director for WMCC The Fuse, the college radio station at MCC. We are hosting a fundraiser for tsunami relief on Friday, February 11th, from 7pm to 11pm at Monroe Community College. You pay five dollars at the door to get in, and we give you five million “Fuse Bucks.” Throughout the night, you can earn more Fuse Bucks by participating in events like Dance Dance Revolution, Twister, kaoraoke, and a variety of other things. Then, during the night, we’re going to auction off awesome items that you can try to win using your Fuse Bucks. And, since it’s tied in with Valentine’s day, if you bring a date, you each get to start the night with an extra five Fuse Bucks. So, grab someone special and join us on Friday, February 11. While I’m announcing events, I should let everyone know that Friday, February 4th is the next Borderline Improv Show, so if you’re free, definitely go to that. Now, for the continuing story that is my life. Tonight I went on a Super Friend Date with Elana. We went to see The Aviator, which was good, but too long. The exciting parts were connected with about eight years of “dramatic” dialogue, which is probably why it got the Oscar nominations. After the butt numbingly long movie, we went for food at Flags. It was empty in there at that hour, so we got our stuff pretty quick and it was good. I’d say Flags is one place where it is hard for the conversation to top the food, but I think that tonight Elana pulled it off. We had some good little moments back and forth, but I still felt a little weird there. The drive home was something too, with on the spot rapping and musical attention deficit disorder. So, she says she wants to do it again some time, but I can’t tell if I’m just getting played or if this is a real Super Friends Deal. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. In the mean time, remember what we always say: Don’t get eliminated! “And we’re back!” (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
9:30 pm	Specific and Measurable In a bittersweet move, things between the star-crossed lovers have come to a close. Stephanie and I agreed to be friends for now, finding it in our best interests to work out our differences before pursuing things any longer. What is this I’m feeling? Not sadness, not remorse, not hatred or anger. Disappointment? Perhaps. Vulnerability? More likely. Failure isn’t right, but it wasn’t really an achievement either. I’m at something of a paradox, a crossroads as I am within three months of my twentieth birthday. Soon to be free of the teenage rebellious years, soon to be swallowed into the demands of adulthood. There are other choices. A light glows brighter on the horizon, but also gets farther from my grasp. It’s a race against time, and may prove as futile as the rest. And while I’m moved to this one, I’m torn in the direction of another. In truth, this other has become no more than burned kindling to me now, but some whispers of flame still linger. Or is it my place to stand Spartan from the lands offerings? We hold these truths to be self evident, but not self-fulfilling. In short, with all cockblockery aside, are you better off alone? With no expectations to fail except your own, with no face to see but yours in the mirror, are you truly free? Or have your shackles just changed form? While the civil war rages internally, the revolutionary war has just begun on the exterior. I stand more alone now than ever before. I am at my most vulnerable, yet at my most determined state of mind. I am a quarter back on his last drive of the game. I am a tsunami of destruction. I am a master carpenter crafting fine goods. I am every panda that won’t screw to save its species. I am fuel for the fire. I am tempered of steel and forged in the hell of society. I am all that there is. I am it. I am. I. “Green light. Green light to engage.” (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 24th, 2004
10:19 pm	Shop 'til you drop I don’t have much to say. I’m just updating this because Stephanie is full of spunk and I know she’ll be all over me if I don’t update with something. So I guess if you’re reading this you are either Stephanie, or you just want to check in on me. That’s cool, either way. The first thing you’ll want to hear about is my weekend. Steph too me shopping, because I don’t know how to dress myself. What did I get? A cute pair of pants, a shirt, and two sweaters. Stand back ladies, I’m going to be the best looking guy at MCC….two days a week. After falling into the gap, we went back to Steph’s house and I got my ass handed to me in Monopoly by her little sister. I must say, Hannah was pretty fetch in that game. I wish my 12 year old sibling was that cool. Now, I know some of you (Jen, Alex) are thinking “hey wait, Ryan you’re supposed to be very good at Monopoly!” For which I have two answers. First, they use house rules. Anyone who knows me knows I play by box rules and house rules are just silly, especially when they give you double salary for landing on Go. Think about it, the point of the game is to make everyone else run out of money. E very time you add money to the general populous you make the game longer and thus harder to win. So, that’s one reason I lost. And two, I was taking it easy, testing the water of the Williams’ family. If I waltzed in there and pwned them at their own game, I’d never get invited back. And I want to be invited back because Stephanie is teh suck. Which means she’s really cool. I don’t want to explain how that works, just trust me. Okay, Camelot. Shaping up to be the single worst show ever, and the fact that Marian thinks we’re already better than Geva and we don’t even have act II memorized yet is just icing on the cake. Now I come to find that my princess of a girlfriend won’t even be able to come see it opening night. My brother **might** be able to come to a matinee, and if he does, I am strongly considering running out on stage during a scene that I have no business being in and putting my sword right into a main character. If you were in the audience, would that not be the most amusing thing ever? You might even jump up and say “YES! THANK YOU FOR KILLING GERALD!” And I would say you are welcome, world. I saw my advisor on Friday, got my schedule set up for next semester. If it works out, I’ll have an internship at WETV 15, which is the Webster Network. I’d run cameras at sporting events, edit stuff together, and use the switcher at town board meetings and pretty much learn how to run a TV station from the ground up. Hecka cool. Once I graduate MCC, I have to transfer somewhere, and Mrs. Mallory gave me lots of ideas. Chicago sounded cool, but I may stay a little closer to home. Buffalo, Syracuse, and Ithica are all strong contenders. On a more personal note, I’m getting kinda upset with my buddy Turco. Lately he’s been such a baby. I know he’s upset because his girlfriend of two years dumped him. So what, it happens. He’s been a pansynacker for the past four weeks. And when I offer my help he tells me I’m the one with girl problems. Ha. Hate to break it to you, Mr. Morning Mix 100.5, but I’ve got my girl WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE, HUH? Thought so. That about does it for now. Remember what we always say: Don’t get eliminated! “Well, he just sold these pants!” Current Mood: geeky (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 8th, 2004
10:39 pm	I'm feeling so real (thanks to Moby) After a record breaking six comments were made on my last journal entry, I decided (with some persuasion) I would make…duhn duhn duhn….another update. A new top five. A look at the leadership retreat. An introduction to the beautiful and talented Miss Stephanie. All that, and a bag of chips. MY TOP FIVE FAVORITE AND INFLUENCTIAL CHARACTERS FROM VIDEO GAMES, BOOKS, AND MOVIES: 1) Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid) The man. The legend. The hero. What can be said about a lone soldier who sneaks into an enemy compound to defuse a potentially nuclear situation armed only with a pack of cigarettes? He was my favorite video game character the moment I picked up the controller. He fought his hardest even as the worst possible things were happening all around him. For example, he rescues a girl being held hostage on the base, and quickly falls for her charm. As the two cross a narrow hall between structures, the girl is sniped down in front of him. Snake dives for cover, but realizes the now mortally wounded Meryl is being used as bait to lure him into the open. Unequipped to fight back or rescue his new friend, he is forced to retreat and seek out a better weapon. He returns with a vengeance and a huge as PSG-1 (the most awesome sniper rifle ever made) ready to fight back against the murderous wolf who struck down his love. While some people say video games are too violent and lack the qualities of a good book, I counter by saying Snake uses stealth over violence, only fights when absolutely necessary to protect that which he holds most dear, and the story is more riveting than any Harry Potter book. 2) Holden Caufield (Catcher in the Rye) The single most sarcastic and thus funny guy ever. I keep a copy of that book by my bedside and periodically pick it up just to read a random chapter. My favorite teacher once said that as a kid I would find Holden to be awesome, striking back at the evils of the world. As an adult, I would find him to be a whiney brat. I hope I never become an adult because Holden is totally kick ass in that 1940s way that I could never be. 3) Master Chief (Halo) Still in the “ultimate soldier” category, Master Chief takes on an entire Covenant armada before lunch and by dinner time has captured or destroyed a space station the size of a small moon. The man is selfless, brave, and loyal to Earth above all else. He saw all hundred of his friends wiped out on his training planet of Reach and carried on with a renewed vigor for fighting the invading alien scum. An expert with every weapon known to man (and then some) he fights with his every breath to protect the human race from the most vicious enemy ever known. Give him a pistol and he’ll give you a platoon of dead Grunts. Give him a rocket launcher and well, there goes the neighborhood. 4) Bill (Kill Bill Vol 2) The leader of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. A snake charmer if there ever was one. He is a textbook example of a cool killer. His sword fighting technique is flawless. His taste in women and clothes is beyond compare. I don’t want to say too much about him because I don’t want to ruin the surprise for anyone who hasn’t seen the movie yet, but he will always be one of my favorite villains. 5) Tyler Durden (Fight Club) The definitive Brad Pitt character. Again, I won’t say much for fear of spoilage, but I will say he is the most awesome street fighter ever, and the most diabolical man to ever cause Mischief, Mayhem, and make soap. Well shoot, this is taking longer than I thought. So I’m going to hold off on my Indiana Jones escapades at the leadership retreat and jump straight to saying that I am crazy for Stephanie and I am so happy we’re together and I don’t want to get mushy here but she is the most awesome person to hang out with and I want to be with her for a very long time and since this sentence has turned into such a monster now I might as well end it with an exclamation point! Target friends, we have nothing to fear. I went into the new Webster Kohl’s today and I was not impressed. We shall crush them with our red and khaki iron fist. Remember what we always say: Don’t get eliminated! “What the hell?” Current Mood: mischievous (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 12th, 2004
5:05 pm	It was a dark and stormy night... Since Jen has done everything short of sleeping with me to get me to update this page, I might as well make some witty remarks. We’re going to pause on my California Report for a while still. I’m taking today as an opportunity to open doors some of you would otherwise never have the chance to venture through. What am I talking about? Today, I think I’m going to outline Vegas Style, as well as start a new trend. My weekly Top Five. Some of you may be scratching your heads at this. Vegas Style? Top Five? What does this have to do with anything? Well, I think you’ll understand it best if I tell you about them in reverse. This week, we’re going to look at my top five favorite nights. I’m going to attempt to describe my most favorite memories of nights I’ve had in my nineteen years. If you read this and understand what made those nights special for me, it will increase your coolness factor ten fold. Except for Ryan Palis (sorry buddy, but if you got any cooler you would totally break my scale.) So, that being said, here’s my Top Five Favorite Nights: 1) Meeting Diana at Geva. It was a chilly December evening, and my brother’s friend had tickets to see an Improv Comedy show at the Geva theatre downtown. So we went. As we entered and found our ways to our seats, I locked eyes with one of the most beautiful young girls I had ever seen. Now, I’ve been a fan of acting and the arts for a long time. Improv especially. I’ve also enjoyed the company of girls for a good while now too. So, when I had an impressive Improv show right in front of me, and an insanely cute usher who kept checking me out on my right, you could tell the night was shaping up to be very entertaining. Sensing my infatuation with the staff, my brother encouraged me to make a move. So I did. On my way out the door, I handed this mystery woman a small card with my name and screen name on it. Without looking at it, she took it and gave me a huge smile. A week later, I got an instant message from Diana. She told me about her Chilean history, her love of Improv and acting, and her home in Hilton. To this day I count her as one of my best friends and enjoy every second I get to spend with her. This night taught me that risk taking could make all the difference. If I hadn’t opted to go to Geva, if I hadn’t handed her my card, if I hadn’t driven out to Greece to pick her up…well, I wouldn’t be the same person I am today. 2) Asking Allison to go out with me. This cool spring night happened shortly after Crazy for You had ended. I took Allison to see a play being put on in Wayne by my friends at NAC. Truth be told the show wasn’t that impressive, but they did need audience participation at one point, and “Tommie” and I jumped into action. We laughed about it the whole ride home, as well as other various inside jokes. Sensing the moment was right, I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she happily said yes. (Later I discovered she was the best kisser ever, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves here.) Being with Allison made me very happy, and even though I know I messed things up with her eventually, I was able to repair so we’re friends now. I still love her dearly, and hope she stays in touch as she continues to grow into an ever more awesome girl. This night taught me self-confidence and a few jokes will carry you a long way, and girls love a guy with a great sense of style. 3) Opening night for Crazy for You. Early May of my senior year, I found myself playing one of my favorite characters. In our high school production of Crazy for You, I was the rich and slightly eccentric womanizer, Bella Zangler. As Bella I got some of the best laughs in the show. I got to totally immerse myself in a drunken character and act out a perfectly synchronized song and dance with another talented actor. I got to kiss one of my best friends, right in front of her current boyfriend, and not feel guilty about it. (She’s a total fox, by the way) But most importantly, by not being the lead of the show, I learned how supporting actors work as a team to build the show. As I looked around the dressing room opening night, I was overwhelmed by emotion as I realized I was near the end of my high school acting career. At the same time, I felt extremely proud of my friends (and one family member) who were part of this cast. Everyone was right where they should be, completely focused on their jobs, and I had this sense that we could accomplish anything at that point if we just worked together on it. After the show we graduated and went our separate ways, but I will always remember the people in that room and how we put on one of the most entertaining shows in Schroeder history. 4) Premiering my Footloose Memory tape. After graduating, I didn’t know how much I would interact with the high school anymore. I kept close with some teachers, especially Joanne Hofstetter, the director of all my shows. She invited me to use my video skills and equipment to construct a behind the scenes tape of the upcoming musical Footloose. I gladly accepted the challenge. After working hand in hand with the cast for three months, I got to unveil my work at the cast party after the show. My fears were put to rest when the lights came back up after the movie—the entire cast gave me a standing ovation on my twenty minute documentary. They loved it, they bought copies to take home, and I still get emails from them thanking me for making it. That night I realized I could accomplish anything with hard work and dedication, and I didn’t need to fear criticism so long as I gave it my best shot. 5) My 18th birthday. No, not for the reasons you might think. That night, I received the best gift ever. It wasn’t lottery tickets or porn, it was a kiss. A simple, single, beautiful kiss from a girl I respect and cherish above all others. That whole day, I only had one goal. I wouldn’t let my birthday slide without kissing Lilly. So, after a long practice after school, I approached her in the parking lot, explained my intentions, and gave her one on the cheek. Right there, I would have been content. But then she looked at me, told me to close my eyes, and kissed me right back, on the lips. I don’t think I’ll ever get a birthday present better than that. I had been crushing on her for some time, and even though I knew deep down it would never work between us, for those few seconds it was heaven. We parted ways and went home, never to speak of it again, but it connected us as friends for life. That night showed that when you invest yourself in something, it could come back your way larger than you ever imagined. So there you have it, my top five nights. If you bothered to read this far, you must be hoping I explain Vegas Style next. So, I won’t disappoint you. Everyone needs a motto to live by, something to define who they are. I chose Vegas Style. It’s basically a summation of my top five nights (Jen, pay attention.) Let’s break it down to see the main points of Vegas Style. *By investing yourself, you can increase what you have. *By working your hardest on something, the outcome will be impressive. *When you work with a team, it’s not always important to be the leader—just pull your weight and everyone will be happy. *Confidence, comedy, and a nice shirt will carry you a long way. *Courage and creativity reward you. Vegas Style is about placing your bets at the right time, never looking back, “going big or going home,” and a bunch of other things. It means if it comes down to you or them, send flowers. I try to live by this outlook now, and so far it’s working for me. I feel more successful, more confident, and more secure than I ever have before. Hopefully this will continue and I’ll be on top of my game for a long, long time. Remember what we always say: Don’t get eliminated! “I don’t know what the four nines do, but the Ace I think is pretty high.” (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 17th, 2004
8:29 pm	I'll punch him if he says that word again... DAY THREE So I left you with us in San Fran. We got up early and drove through some morning mist across the mighty Golden Gate Bridge, at which point I flaunted my photography skills. We continued to wander about the coast, eventually coming to another small pizza place, which had a nice looking waitress. Unfortunately, English must have been her second (or maybe third) language. Definitely a European vibe in that place. Since the tours to Alcatraz were booked, we ended up climbing aboard a WWII liberty ship docked at a harbor. Now, I don’t want to get all historical on anyone and explain the significance of a liberty ship, but I must say it was a pretty impressive piece of machinery. It was staffed by guys who looked old enough to be part of the original crew, but I didn’t want to insult them by asking, so we’ll just assume that they had in fact been part of the Normandy invasion force and thus, are the most awesome people ever to walk the planet. By then we had used up most of the day and were getting pretty hungry. When on vacation, the general idea is to try as many new and different things as possible. Sample a lifestyle you can’t get at home. So we walked into a place called Red Robin. Turns out, Red Robin is an excellent burger chain popular in the West. Well, not like Burger King burger chain. It was very upscale, like an Applebee’s or something, except everything on their menu was a burger of some kind. And they had great fries. I tried their Freckled Lemonade, and it is entirely possible that it is the best drink ever made by a man. Basically it’s lemonade with fresh strawberries in it, but the perfect mix of sour and sweet flavors is like a playground in your mouth. Full of energy and movement. The perfect compliment to any burger. If you have the means, I highly suggest you try it. After dinner we just HAD to check out the local Target Store. This particular store had a unique feature. It was two floors. It was arranged like a mall Sears or Penny’s. In the middle of the store they had a special escalator to move shopping carts between floors. I was impressed by the store, but not by how clean it was. A word to my Target friends. Many different thoughts were in my head as I visited the various Target stores on vacation. For example, what would it be like to be cart attendant at a place that never snows? How many GSTLs do you need on a two-floor store? Where is the back room located? And so on. DAY FOUR On this day we visited the super spooky Winchester House. You might remember that name. Mr. Winchester invented the famous Winchester repeating rifle, and Mrs. Winchester never felt comfortable with the idea that her husband’s work resulted in the death of thousands. So, when her husband died, and she inherited the company, she used her millions of dollars to erect an impressive mansion. She reportedly used this mansion to trap and confuse spirits who were trying to harass her. So, the house has a staircase that goes nowhere. It has a door on the top floor that opens to a forty-foot drop to the garden below. It has thirteen bathrooms. Thirteen windows in most of the rooms. The sink has thirteen holes in the drain cover. Things like that. Anyway, it was an eerie place and we had fun there. Afterwards, we drove to Northern California and took in the sights. We drove through one of those giant trees everyone talks about. It’s nothing special, really. Day four put us a stone’s throw away from Oregon. We had seen two Target stores, one primetime TV series star, and half a dozen West Coast hotties. The future was looking bright. A fine stopping point for tonight. Come back soon for another exciting chapter in The West Coast Report. Remember what we always say: Don’t get eliminated! “Craftsmanship!” (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 13th, 2004
10:48 pm	Land of the Governator Hey friends. This is my first post in a long time, but it's a look at what I did for my family vacation. Okay, stop whining. It's actually fun to read. I'll even do it in small bits so you don't have to numb your butt in one sitting. THE WEST COAST REPORT THE RIDE THERE We all woke up at four in the morning, ate some doughnuts, and stuffed ourselves into my ’92 Taurus for the trip to the airport. While smashed into this ridiculously tiny sedan, we discovered my youngest brother Cory had some of the worst flatulence even known to man. I mean, while on the jet, it dawned on me that all this super offensive gas was being compacted at the back of the cabin, because we were moving at roughly six hundred miles per hour. I could just imagine some kid switching on his Game Boy and blowing the back end of the plane off as the spark ignited the super compressed methane. The trip was off to a great start. Somewhere over Nebraska, they showed the movie Garfield, which I happily ignored. Right after that though was an episode of Two and a Half Men, which is one of my favorite comedies. Between that and the limitless supply of pretzels and soda I was content. After landing in LA and resetting our watches to the local time, we decided to seek out some mutant lunch/breakfast/dinner meal to satisfy our hunger. Remember, we had been awake since four, but it was only eleven am local time, so was it late breakfast or early lunch? Or, early dinner back home? Anyway, we went to a place called Shakey’s Pizza. It was full of Mexicans. Insert your own punch line here. We wandered around downtown for a bit, stopping to see the Tar Pits, the Hollywood sign, and the Walk of Stars. There was this totally hot blonde dressed as Supergirl outside of Grumman’s Chinese Theater, trying to make a quick buck by charging you to have your picture taken with her. Sorry baby doll, but I took one of you when you weren’t looking. Score? Gomez 1, LA 0. THE SECOND DAY I awoke to my first hotel breakfast and immediately consumed food. Nothing like four danishes to take the edge off your jet lag induced hunger. The family piled into a rented mini van and high tailed it over to a Hollywood Wax Museum. I was not impressed. I felt we had a much better chance at being around stars if we went to Warner Brother’s Studio, and I was not disappointed. As we were taken on tour around the lots, one of the security guards stopped to talk with us. As we casually asked “hey, what’s being filmed in that building that says ‘Oceans 12’ out front?” he simply replied “Well, I can’t tell you what’s going on in there. But I can say we are filming a movie that rhymes with Oceans 12. And let me say, **everyone** is in the house right now…” He let that trail off so it would sink in that we were all less than one hundred feet away from George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, and Julia Roberts. I just had to smash my way through a brick wall and savagely beat down a handful of armed guards big enough to play professional football with gorillas and elephants. Unfortunately, our guide must have sensed my ambitions, and moved us away as fast as the dinky electric tram would go. I only had time to shout BRAD YOU ROCK as we drove off. It was not a total loss though. Just around the bend was the outdoor set for ER. Let me type that again very slowly for you. Well, you won’t be able to tell what speed I typed this at, but I assure you, each keystroke was very deliberate. I stood on the set of ER. I stood where Noah and Anthony once stood. I touched the same doors they touch when they push an injured person inside. I am now connected to the universe of primetime TV in a way that most people only dream of. And, to put a cherry on top of my sundae, I turn around and find Paul McCrane just chilling. Dr. ‘Rocket’ Romano, in the flesh. With both arms. So I did what any serious ER fan would do. I took a picture. After the tour was over and I stopped shouting over the fence at George and Brad, we climbed back into the van and drove North to San Francisco. Cory was drawing in his notebook when he ‘somehow’ managed to drop his pen INSIDE the door of the van. Into the space between the panels of the door, never to be seen again for a million years. I don’t pretend to know how that happened, but be sure to ask him next time you see him. Wow, space is getting pretty tight here, so I’ll wrap this up for tonight. Be sure to check back in a day or two and I’ll have more up about our fabulous family vacation to the West Coast. Remember what we always say: Don’t get eliminated! "I'll be back." (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 10th, 2004
7:52 pm	Hungry like the wolf Skeet skeet skeet! It's been far too long since I last updated. I'm dedicating this particular entry to AMBER BAUER, since the past twenty entries had nothing to do with her. So, from now on, in an effort to make this more interesting for her to read, I will capitalize important names, places, things, and dates. What's been happening lately, you may ask. Well, I'm laying the smack down at PICTURE PEOPLE. That's my new(ish) job at MARKETPLACE MALL where I take photographs of squirming children and crying babies. They really like me there, it's a small store so we have a family bond between workers. Unlike TARGET where everyone acts independent. Speaking of that place, they just hired MY BROTHER for some massive store make over. That's right, you heard it here first, the TARGET you've come to know and love will be completely rearranged by the end of the summer. Still on the topic of TARGET, I talked with JEN last night. Her and ALEX just left for a two week vacation (they're two of my best friends from the said store.) I told JEN that while she was away I would make every attempt to hook up with the dirtiest girls TARGET has to offer (not counting MILFS, more on them in a bit) JEN has this habbit of being overly righteous and mocking my selections in female companionship. JEN fails to see that my gals don't always have to be Mrs Right, just Mrs Right Now. Lame as that statement is, it holds truth. If you think that's shallow of me, wait until the next paragraph. I'd say the best part of my job is the serious MILF action I get at both TARGET and PICTURE PEOPLE. Well, not action per say, but there is some serious eye candy that walks through my check out lane. Like this one hottie, when she bent over to fill out her checkbook, I could see straight down to her belly button. I'm surprised I didn't knock the pen out of her hand with my massive CENSORED but you get the idea. Plus the cashiers there are pretty fine too. Not as fine as AMBER BAUER (still reading, right?) But hey, they try their best. Oh yes, DAN clearly won THE GAME. I don't know what to do about that. I'll figure it out and get back to you all, but for now, let's just say party as his place, ten o'clock, BYOB. Anyone looking for a good CD should check out DURAN DURAN GREATEST HITS. I've been listening to it for about a week straight and it's very eighties. Well, I better get going, I'm supposed to go see a movie with NEIL KARLS and a gal from WORK named ASHLEY. Okay, to hell with these capitalized words. They blow. And they annoy me. So that's done. I'll let you all know about the movie later, maybe when I get back tonight even. Remember what we always say: Don't get eliminated! "Go get'm Tiger." (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
8:04 pm	Say mammal lactose product! I know you’ve all been waiting with great patience, so let’s not hesitate any longer. We’ve got a lot to get through since I’m so far behind. First, the standings. Dan..................5 Kate.................1 Alex.................1 Everyone else.........goose egg I awarded Alex and Kate a point each, just so Dan won’t have a shut out victory when the contest ends. No one was even close this time. Mischief, mayhem, soap is the tagline from Fight Club. The subject was a lyric from a song I was listening too. I can tell you all care so much, so we’ll move right along now. We’re going to take a look at two very special people today in our Babaganoush Person(s) of the Day. We’ve got Dan, the current champion of What was I thinking? And we’ve got Ryan “cool” Palis. No, I’m serious, cool really is his middle name. DAN STRENGTH: 2 DEXTERITY: 3 CONSTITUTION: 2 INTELLIGENCE: 10 WISDOM: 10 CHARISMA: 5 Now, you may notice Dan’s scores seem comically low. This is because he is the most unbalanced character ever. For starters, let’s look at what I call his “gym stats.” He is weak, it’s no secret. I’m surprised he can lift his T shirt over his melon-like head. But somehow he does, so, two points. The only reason he has a three in dexterity is because I fondly recall him flailing about like a drunken tooth fairy during many games of dodge ball and square dancing. His meager two point constitution is derived from Dan’s uncanny ability to shield his vulnerable stomach from damage by using his egg head as a shield. Of course, I wouldn’t dare face Dan in combat even with these pathetic gym stats. Why, you ask? Because, when cornered in a fight, Dan strikes back with the classic G. I. Joe mantra, Knowledge is power! He’ll spit out some math gibberish that will make your head explode into a creamy paste. You will be unable to comprehend his clever riddles, some of which are even in Chinese. Yes, he truly fights smarter, not harder. SPECIAL ABILITIES *Can multiply, divide, subtract, and add, without a calculator. *Able to vomit all over Food Ave and not get fired. *Laughs at jokes, IN LATIN. GEAR: Armor: Polo shirt with college logo and dress pants (AC 3, +1INT) Weapon: Giant math book of doom (slams the heavy text into your cranium, causing 50-70 damage) Artifact: Pendant of Mollie (can be used to summon girlfriend, who comes and beats the stuffing out of you, then makes sweet love to Dan, restoring his HP to full) Anyone else? Oh yes. RYAN PALIS STRENGTH: 8 DEXTERITY: 7 CONSTITUTION: 8 INTELLIGENCE: 6 WISDOM: 8 CHARISMA: 10 Ryan has several advantages over the common man, most notable is his connection with the 2003 Webster Warriors Football team. Ryan is also undeniably bad ass, so, he has decent scores in strength, dexterity, and constitution. He’s also fairly smart, and most of all, I respect him for his wisdom. Of course, his real trait is his charisma. I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t like Ryan Palis. Flat out, he is the man. Just standing within ten feet of him makes you look good too. SPECIAL ABILITIES *Able to inspire entire Improv team with one cowboy hat. *Drives falling apart vehicle, similar to the almighty Han Solo. *Has the same name as me. *Able to wear the coolest hat at graduation and no one messed with him. GEAR Armor: Warriors Mascot battle armor (AC 15, impervious to attacks from Penfield, Fairport, and anyone else who hasn’t won a state championship in the past five years) Weapon: The Warrior Sword (A million damage and it embarrasses your whole family when you die because really, who would take on the Warrior?) Artifact: Cigarettes. (+1 CHA, -1 CON, able to reveal laser trip wires) Whew. Okay, that does it for the exciting stuff. I’ve completed two days of training at my new job, which is going very well. Come visit me at Picture People, in Marketplace Mall. We do fantastic pictures there, so come have something done. I’ll make ya look good, I promise. That’s it for now, remember what we always say: Don’t get eliminated! "Let no man forget how menacing we are; we are lions!" (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
11:19 pm	Goodnight moon, I want the sun I am very smart. This is made painfully clear by my accurate predictions for American Idol. A tearful goodbye to John Stevens, and then a google search for pictures of Diana DiGarmo. What a fox. In a completely unrelated story, Dan has more than doubled his score practically overnight. Again, his answer was not necessarily correct, but for his sheer creativity, I award him three more points. Thus, the scores stand as follows: Dan.............................5 Everyone else.....absolutely zero Maybe I need to go over the rules again. Just post a reply to this journal update in which you attempt to explain what I was thinking with one of my end quotes or opening update titles. I will award points, and whoever has the most points at the end of May will win a fabulous prize. And by fabulous I don't mean one of those pens with your name on it or a Casio Calculator watch, I mean, right now, Dan would have his choice between a new PS2 Game or dinner, a movie, and ice cream with me and two friends of his choice. Yes, I reward people well for actually taking the time to post creative responses. So hop to it, people! Some of the earlier entries are such easy ones to figure out, get to them before Dan does. Oh, and you may notice we've started a new look here at The Life of Babaganoush. The colors have changed to reflect my....uh....taste in random colors. Okay, it has its reasons for being there. I just don't want to tell anyone yet. I'll be back later in the week with a new Babaganoush Person of the Day award, because that's all people are asking for. Footloose people, you still rock, but that's no surprise, right? Remember what we always say: Don't get eliminated! "Mischief. Mayhem. Soap." (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
3:31 pm	Five point palm exploding heart technique Just two things on today's update. First, I award Dan two points. This is because although his answers are nowhere near correct, he is the only person to try. Thus, he leads the competition, and will be the winner by a landslide at the end of May if no one else challenges him. So come on, people, take a guess at "What was I thinking?" and you could win some very fabulous prizes. Now, for my coverage of American Idol. The show is in a very dangerous position right now. I watched last night, with Gloria Estevan, and it was pretty good. In particular, I believe Diana Digarmo had the best overall performance. The two remaining divas proved they couldn't even hold their ground against a pair of 16 year olds. However, there lies the dilemma. Despite a poor performance, I predict both divas will actually be in the top three tonight. This is a phenomenon I call the sympathy vote. America, outraged at last week's upset, will flood the phone lines to keep both in the show, while the people who voted for the real stars last week will sort of slack off, feeling confident that someone else will vote for them. If this margin is too large, the sympathy votes will overcome the popular vote and we could be back in the same situation as we were three or four weeks ago. So, I would rather see another diva take the fall tonight, especially that big lipped boy haircut pitchy voiced freak, but I think we might actually loose John Stevens. I guess we'll just wait and see. Remember what we always say: Don't get eliminated! Footloose people, keep on rocking. "So began the massacre of the Shaolin temple, and all sixty monks inside..." (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
9:31 pm	JUSTICE IS SERVED! I don't like to be in a position where I owe anything to anyone, but today I must admit, I owe Ryan Seacrest a great deal. In an unfathomable move, he spearheaded the greatest upset American Idol has ever seen. I enjoyed it so much. For once, things were as they should be. Fantasia got a taste of fear. I watched with glee as her big ugly lips trembled at the thought of not winning the competition. Sweet ecstasy was mine as "The Divas" sweatted during commercial break, each wondering who would be next to go? Who got the least votes? And seated in the seats of royalty, in the comfort not only of luscious padding, but in the comfort of knowing they'd be safe for the next week, were my surviving two picks--John Stevens and Diana Digarmo. If things continue to unravel in this fashion, perhaps the show will regain my favoritism after all. It will never be the same now that JPL is gone, but it did have it's saving moment this week. What else what else what else...oh yes, Kill Bill is an awesome movie, and Footloose people still rock. Now, we're going to put the Babaganoush Person of the Day award on hold for now and open a new game. It's called "what was I thinking?" Each entry of mine has ended with a quote, and my opening subject lines have often been cryptic at best. From now on, anyone who posts a comment that has their theory on WHAT I WAS THINKING or referring to in any given quote or subject line will win points. Points are good. If you have the most of them at the end of May, you will win a prize. I'm not some cheap looser who skips out on prizes, either, so play to win! I'll be back soon with our next Person of the Day and some updates on the wonderful world of college, Target, and everything in between. Remember what we always say: Don't get eliminated! "Well no one told me about her, but it's too late to say I'm sorry." (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 15th, 2004
9:02 pm	America, how could you? And as of 8:31pm this evening, I crossed American Idol off my list of shows I enjoy to watch. Why? Because John Peter Lewis is out of the competition. The single best, most entertaining performer in the lot and he's out. It's just a waste of a show now. Maybe I'll check in on Ryan Seacrest once in a while, but without the antics of JPL I think I'll find a new way to pass that time slot each week. On a better note, I was one of the lucky few who got to see the sneak peak for Kill Bill Vol 2 at Tinseltown Theater. I don't want to spoil it for any fans out there, but I will say it has been worth the wait and even the February to April delay. Those of you who thought the first part was too gory or over the top, rest assured that part two returns to the classic Q.T. style, using a lot of great dialog and plot twists that you enjoy so much. There is minimal use of "super violence" but this part does an excellent job of justifying the violence that had to happen in part one. So, on it's own, it's a great movie. Combined with the first installment, it's the guilty pleasure of the year. Check it out! Footloose people still rock. Oh yeah, it looks like we need a Babaganoush Person of the Day! Since someone took the time to personally IM me and request I do them, I will be true to my word and today we score...Alex. ALEX STRENGTH: 7 DEXTERITY: 5 CONSTITUTION: 6 INTELLIGENCE: 8 WISDOM: 6 CHARISMA: 6 And as always, we put that on a little spoon and say open the tunnel, here comes the choo choo train. Alex gets STR at seven, because I think he's pretty buff and all, but not a true muscle head. DEX averages out to a five. I know he does Dance Dance all the time, but his large frame takes away from overall mobility. CON is rated at six because his endurance has improved since playing Dance Dance so much, but he worked up a sweat after one game of Laser Quest so I don't know what that tells you since LQ is a pretty leisurely paced game. And yes, Alex is smart, supposedly smarter than me by SAT standards. However, he bought that Jetta, so, WIS of six. Tee hee. Oh yes, the great equalizer, Charisma. Hm. A little better than average perhaps, but he's usually pretty intimidating. And I'm sure he'll yell at me for saying that, so, I think my point justifies itself on that very premise. Now, we take a look at special abilities: *Reminds me of Chewbaca from Star Wars *Surprisingly good with electronics and technology, just like Chewie... *Rips the arms off people who say he really looks like Harry Potter (again, like Chewie.) And any good adventurer in my life needs to be equipped for the real world, so here's some of Alex's typical outfittings: Armor: Hoodie sweatshirt, generic pants, and sandals. (AC 5, but anyone attacking gets +1 because he's got freaking sandals on. Even in the winter.) Weapons: Spectacles of Doom (-1 Charisma since he looks like Harry Potter, but accuracy=100% for all attacks within range of primary weapon: Wookie Arms (50-100 damage, thrashing damage)) Artifacts: Pills from Target Pharmacy. They can be used for a variety of things, from boosting stats to poisoning enemy players. So that's Alex in a nut shell. Check back again real soon, when we'll start another new game here at Babaganoush Central. Remember what we always say: Don't get eliminated! "They just call themselves that because they thought it sounded cool." (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
3:24 pm	El diablo es el broko In light of recent events, I've decided Kim is not as cool as I once thought. In fact, my respect for her has taken a complete dive as of late. I don't really want to talk about that just yet, but you should know as my faithful reader that she has crossed the (chorus) line on this one! Aside from small personal problems, technology has been giving me the short end lately. I can't get my Avio to burn DVDs, my cell phone screen won't light up, my computer crashes randomly for no reason, and my luxurious '92 Ford Taurus is a whole 'nother story. And I'm not one of those people who is afraid of technology or intimidated by it, which makes this even worse, because I want my expensive tricked out things to work like I expect them to. I don't really have much else to say, except make sure you watch American Idol tonight and then call and vote for JPL. Footloose people, you still rock, unless I mentioned your name in the first paragraph of this post. Remember what we always say: Don't get eliminated! "I'd death ray my grandmother for a space army about now." (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 1st, 2004
9:07 pm	Me me me me me it's all about me me me me mE Hey all, today it's all about me, because I am totally awesome. Don't agree? Then why are you here reading about me? Chinese riddle for you! So, obviously, the Babaganoush Person of the Day is me. Let's hop to it like cute little pink bunnies with fuzzy cotton tails. RYAN STRENGTH: 7 DEXTERITY: 7 CONSTITUTION: 5 INTELLIGENCE: 7 WISDOM: 7 CHARISMA: 7 Woo hoo, check out those stats ladies! Shall we break it down? STR at seven, because I'm not super buff, but eight years of martial arts will harden anyone. DEX of seven because I'm quick, biotch! I can move fast and I'm kinda flexible. Not like real dancers, but I'm up there. More than you'd think! My weakness? CON at 5, just average. Sure, I have good willpower, but, I black out when I just stand up some times. Medical disorder, what are you gonna do, huh? So, even though I fight hard, I can't fight long. Eh. But, I make up for it by fighting smart with INT and WIS at 7. See, I'm not super smart, but definitely above average. And CHA. Hm. 7 sounds about right. I mean, I have a lot of friends and get along with them all pretty well, but every once in a while...stand back. That's all I can say on that one. Special abilities? SURE! *Funny *Cute *Singing, dancing, and acting *able to make awesome videos on no budget Typical adventure gear? YES! Armor: Blue jeans and button up shirt, all from Mossimo at Target (AC 7, +1 Charisma) Weapons: My own two hands, foo! (20-30 damage, bludgeoning attack) Artifacts: Sunglasses, prescription sunglasses. (-1 DEX because I can't see as good, but +1 CHA because I look mad cool.) So there you go, I'm totally stacked. I'm set for any adventure you can throw at me. Enough with that annoying stuff. Alex, if you want that birthday present, give me a call sometime before your NEXT birthday. Footloose cast, you all rock. WMCC The Mix, pull it together. Jeesh. Remember what we always say: Don't get eliminated! "Keep on charging the enemy so long as there is life." (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
7:33 pm	Let the adventure begin! Every once in a while, we here at "The Life Of Babaganoush!" like to mix it up. Today, we aim please many of our readers by starting a new process. It seems Jen feels I need to somehow identify my friends, and since I'm not going to use the friend list here on Live Journal, I had to scratch my creative head to come up with something else. Then, Allison said reading about herself on my post makes her feel 'special.' After consulting my Advanced Euclidean Geometry text book, I finally put two and two together. Today marks the start of the official "Babaganoush Person of the Day" awards, and todays person is....ALLISON. Now, since I don't have Allison's permission to do this, I won't reveal her last name or give away too much information. The best part is, it's all in score card format, so you can easily compare yourself and collect and trade them all! ALLISON STRENGTH: 6 DEXTERITY: 8 CONSTITUTION: 7 INTELLIGENCE: 6 WISDOM: 6 CHARISMA: 8 Okay, those are pretty good scores. Let's break it down now. For STR, she got a 6, which isn't too shabby for a girl. Just a little above average, actually. DEX is an eight as she is a very flexible dancer. She still has room for improvement though, I'm sure, so it's not a perfect score, but way above average. CON got a seven. Allison is one tough cookie. She can survive a matinee and a night show and a cast party all in the same day. INT and WIS are both six, which again isn't all that impressive but above average. Her grades are fine and she does her homework. CHA is an eight because she has a great personality and she gets a bonus because she is flat out the best kisser I have ever known. Sorry if anyone is offended by that, but we DID go out, and when you go out with such a great girlfriend, you KISS them. And I enjoyed it a lot. Let's take a quick look at some of Allison's special abilities. *Dancing *Singing *Keeping secrets from me just long enough that it's fun but not annoying. *Able to put up with Kim in large doses. And of course, we have to look at Allison's typical equipment for adventuring. Armor: Dance pants and Footloose T-Shirt (Armor Class 2) Weapons: Ass-Kicking dance shoes (4-6 damage, x2 critical, piercing) Artifacts: Princess Crown (when equipped +2 CHA, +1 DEX, -1 INT, -1 WIS, must say "I don't know" in a cute voice every three minutes.) And there you have it, Allison is obviously very well equipped for adventures here in my fantasy land. Check back again real soon, you may be the next person I post as the Babaganoush Person of the Day! Remember what we always say: Don't get eliminated! "Bill Gray's: Great food and fun since 1938." (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 28th, 2004
11:03 am	Almost paradise I thought that dreams belonged to other men, because each time I got close, they fell apart again. But last night, my dreams came together. The cast absolutely loved the video and it made me realize I'm making the right choices with my life now. This is what I want to do, this is what I'm good at, this is what people will respect me for. When I showed the tape at the cast party, it was like twenty one minutes of heaven for me. They laughed, they cried, and the complimented me on ever single frame. I was so proud of those guys, I love every last one of them so much. Allison, Matt, Lilly, Tom, even my own brother, they all bring new definition to kicking ass. I know a lot of adults think our world is on the way down, they think there are no heros left in this place, and all I have to say to them is check out Webster Schroeder high school, because these kids relly are larger than life. The best part of it all was seeing Joanne, Kim, and Frost react to my work. It was really all for them, I owe them so much for pushing me in the right direction and anything I can do to repay them makes me happy to no end. So, a special thank you to all my friends and family who made these past three days possible. The song asks, "if heaven can't help me, who can?" and the answer is WHS Drama Club. They are angles, every last one of them, and I wish them all the best. Remember what we always say: Don't get eliminated! "Looking into your eyes, I know I'm right. If there is anything worth the fear, it's worth the fight." (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 25th, 2004
11:08 pm	You're the reason that I'm hanging on Looking for something to do this weekend? Might I suggest Footloose at Webster Schroeder High School? Friday and Saturday night at 8pm or the matinee at 2pm, but don't go to that (see below post.) I just got back from the opening night, and I must say I've never seen such a great performance on that stage. And to think, I wasn't even in it! Ha. Seriously though, all the best to that cast, because they are unstoppable right now. And Allison, you better tell me what the deal is, or I will wish you the old "break a leg" and then I'll make it happen. Word. Everyone else, keep it up. I can't wait to see the show again! Remember what we always say: Don't get eliminated! "Heaven helps the man who fights his fear." (1 Comment |Comment on this)